A bunker, deep below Downing Street in the heart of London. Dressed in his military fatigues, including an old World War II helmet, David Cameron is chairing an emergency meeting of the Brexit "Remain" steering group. He points his swagger stick at the whiteboard.
CAMERON We need new suggestions and we need them fast. As you can see our strategy isn't working. The "Leave" camp are gathering strength.
OSBORNE Shall I tell the country that all savings accounts will be frozen by The Treasury in the event of a Brexit? We will need that money for the barbed wire and the extra CCTV cameras.
THERESA MAY No way George! You would be best keeping a low profile because whatever you say seems to push the swingometer in the "Leave" direction. Just keep schtum.
CAMERON I am at my wit's end. Every bloody day we have had influential figures lined up to support "Remain" - from Mark Carney to President Obama, from The Chairman of the CBI to The Archbishop of Canterbury. But it isn't working.
CLEGG Perhaps we should call on more populist figures.
ALAN JOHNSON David Beckham? Katie Price? Ed Sheeran? Michael McIntyre?
THERESA MAY But they are all for leaving Alan. How about Rosamunde Pilcher - she's my favourite writer you know!
ALAN JOHNSON But she's ninety four years old! And besides you could hardly call her populist!
(Doris Budd who has worked in the bowels of Downing Street for thirty eight years comes in with the tea trolley. She is humming "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin).
DORIS Is it your usual Mr Cameron?
CAMERON Yes. Piss weak Darjeeling with a slice of lemon and a garibaldi.
THERESA MAY Have you got any ideas Doris?
DORIS What do you mean your madame? About remaining?
THERESA MAY Yes.
DORIS Well, I've thought about this and your only chance is to use your best asset.
OSBORNE You mean me?
DORIS Don't be silly. No. I'm talking about Her Majesty. The Queen. Get her to do a broadcast in the middle of every soap opera urging... no instructing her subjects to remain.
CLEGG But The Queen is impartial.
DORIS (pouring) Jasmine green tea Mr Clegg and a bourbon?...I know she has always sat on the fence over just about everything but this is different. Besides if you don't do it Britain will be out of The European Union.
CAMERON Excellent idea Doris. But who will write the script? Put your hand down for heaven's sake George. It won't be you.
OSBORNE It's not fair!
ALAN JOHNSON Then who? I am a bit of a wordsmith. Did you read "This Boy"?
CLEGG It was too literary. I think you've lost the common touch Alan.
(All eyes turn to Doris who is now pushing the tea trolley towards the door.)
DORIS What? Don't look at me. I'm leaving.
CAMERON But I can phone Briggs, tell him you'll be staying with us for a while. He won't mind.
DORIS No. You don't get me prime minister. I mean I'll be voting to leave. I'm a Brexiter. (A hush falls over the bunker) Another biscuit before I go anyone? How about a custard cream or a ginger nut?
Excellent but you do realise that if it is a vote to leave then you will have to dig up your garden and the football pitches to provide potatoes and cabbages. The potatoes will be blighted and the cabbages will grow long and thin with no leaves.ReplyDelete
We will have hundreds of unemployable MPs all without the hope of an overpaid sinecure of a job in the EU. It will be the apocalypse, football fans will have to watch games in Europe and be kicked and set on fire by Russians.
It's time we thought not of ourselves but of those less fortunate than us.
I have thought long and hard let us get out and the quicker the better.
PS. I am selfish.Delete
Nobody can foretell the future. Who knows which is the best road to take? What I wonder, when all is said and done, is why the hell are we having a referendum anyway?Delete
It's a big cover-up for something really murky going on behind the scenes.....Delete
God forbid we should ever take political direction from David Beckham and Katie Price.ReplyDelete
Oh - does that mean you'll be happy to be directed by PM Ed Sheeran and President Michael McIntyre?Delete
I'm not sure which is the least attractive bunch to vote for , stay or go ....somehow I think the theme tune for the whole farce should be Hotel California "you can check out any time you like , but you can never leave" vote leave then watch the wholly farcical shenanigans of organising the actual event , still be at in five years timeReplyDelete
I don't think we will ever be totally disentangled from Europe - either culturally or economically and lager louts will still descend on Aya Napa and Magaluf.Delete
Oh dear - it's a bit of an conundrum isn't it?ReplyDelete
If it's out, then lager louts may be banned from Aya Napa and Magaluf, and everywhere else "abroad", and good riddance. They'll have to make do with Blackpool or Southend in future and pay through the nose for their booze.
The immigrants waiting at Calais will be over like a shot, the French won't want to keep them, and will put on special trains to get rid of them. They'll be able to wave to the deported EU nurses, doctors, teachers et al going the other way !
You are like Old Mother Shipton of Knaresborough, Yorkshire. She was also a visionary. I don't suppose the lager louts will get to your favourite resort CG...Frinton-on-Sea.Delete
How did you guess it's my favourite resort YP? I've always thought it was a very well-kept secret !Delete
I'll trade you David for Donald. Maybe that will help.ReplyDelete
But I doubt it!Delete
You can keep your Donald. He must be the byproduct of some dangerous nuclear fallout during secret testing in the late forties. I bet his mother was hoping for a normal child, not a monster.Delete
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Trouble is, no-one has a clue what will happen whether we stay or go, so people are latching on to the one issue they think they understand which is immigration. It appeals to the two things that middle Englanders really hat - foreigners and foreigners who come over here. And ironically, it is probably the one issue where going or staying will make not a jot of difference.ReplyDelete
When will you be returning to Poland Mr Rhodeski? And please take your white van with you.Delete
All I can say is that I shall go and vote next Thursday - not absolutely sure what yet - and then I hope to completely forget all about it for the foreseeable future.ReplyDelete
Regarding Lincolnshire potatoes. I wish I could have read this before I went down to the market this morning because I would have asked Mr Carrick (the stallholder) where he got them. We have had them for the last two weeks and they are much better than either Cornish or Jersey Royals.
Boston potatoes are lovely when a day or two out of the ground. After you and my darling wife, they are the best things to have ever come out of Lincolnshire... but I am not seeing any Bostons in Sheffield yet.Delete
I think if you want the EU saving you would be better calling on someone with a more practical view than on a god.ReplyDelete
You mean someone like Alan Titchmarsh?Delete