Essexes

Prince Barry, The Duke of Essex and his American wife Regan Sparkle, The Duchess of Essex, estimated they would make somewhere in the region of twenty five million US dollars from their latest six part documentary series entitled "Barry and Regan" to be screened around the world exclusively on Netflix. Prince Barry's agent was sure it would be far more than that if you factored in the book deal and follow-up interviews, exclusive apparel sales, the dolls and the new perfume range.

"We have so many secrets to share about the way we were maltreated behind the royal curtains," said Prince Barry. "It's a story that needs telling."

Wiping a tear from her cheek, Regan said, "They hurt me so bad, I felt like, like taking my own life."

Seeking better clarity, seasoned interviewer  Pontius Pudding asked sympathetically, "Take it slowly now your royal highnesses but could you just give our viewers a few examples of the treatment that almost broke you."

"I remember once," sighed Regan. " I arrived a little late for the buffet breakfast at Sandringham and there was no scrambled egg left.  Can you believe that?  It was like a personal insult to me because of my heritage. I wanted scrambled egg but there was none. And I know that my husband loved his grandfather very much but...but...  Prince Peter didn't even look up from behind his newspaper. He just grumbled something like - 'If you want scrambled eggs you know where the frigging hen house is!'. I was completely mortified."

"It was as if they wanted to shut Regan out," whined Prince Barry. "I know they are my flesh and blood but they isolated her."

Pontius Pudding's face was turning red.

"Another time,"  moaned Regan, "we had been salmon fishing on the Balmoral estate but the gamekeeper did not help me to catch a fish and when I got back to the house one of the gardeners looked at me funny and the butler didn't smile at me and I had to take my own coat off and one of the housemaids was giggling and I felt really, really uncomfortable and it's all because my mother is black."

"Is that all you had to complain about?" said Pontius Pudding, suddenly losing his rag with the pair of them. "Did it ever occur to you that some people live in dire poverty - not knowing where their next meal is coming from? Some people sleep in cold beds or endure life-changing conditions or suffer mental, sexual and physical abuse and you come to this interview with a bunch of pathetic tittle tattle!"

"I say, this wasn't in the Netflix agreement we signed!" winced Prince Barry.

Regan Sparkle was sobbing at this point as she dialled her lawyer to report the latest abuse but Pontius Pudding threw down his microphone and stormed out of the garden room yelling, "I'm not interviewing a pair of entitled gold-digging  twerps who have nothing of substance to complain about. Her Majesty Queen Ermintrude is hardly cold in her grave and yet here you are simpering and trying to look like the victims of some horrendous mistreatment akin to torture.  You have nothing to complain about. Nothing! It's all in your tiny little minds. And you can get somebody else to interview you because I quit!"

After a minute of stunned silence, Emmy-winning director Liz Garbus said to the assembled executive producers - Erica Sashin, Mark Monroe, Dan Cogan, Ben Browning, Chanel Pysnik, Jon Bardin, Mala Chapple and Angus Wall, "I guess we blew it with that guy. Do you think Oprah might step in?"