2 December 2022

Essexes

Prince Barry, The Duke of Essex and his American wife Regan Sparkle, The Duchess of Essex, estimated they would make somewhere in the region of twenty five million US dollars from their latest six part documentary series entitled "Barry and Regan" to be screened around the world exclusively on Netflix. Prince Barry's agent was sure it would be far more than that if you factored in the book deal and follow-up interviews, exclusive apparel sales, the dolls and the new perfume range.

"We have so many secrets to share about the way we were maltreated behind the royal curtains," said Prince Barry. "It's a story that needs telling."

Wiping a tear from her cheek, Regan said, "They hurt me so bad, I felt like, like taking my own life."

Seeking better clarity, seasoned interviewer  Pontius Pudding asked sympathetically, "Take it slowly now your royal highnesses but could you just give our viewers a few examples of the treatment that almost broke you."

"I remember once," sighed Regan. " I arrived a little late for the buffet breakfast at Sandringham and there was no scrambled egg left.  Can you believe that?  It was like a personal insult to me because of my heritage. I wanted scrambled egg but there was none. And I know that my husband loved his grandfather very much but...but...  Prince Peter didn't even look up from behind his newspaper. He just grumbled something like - 'If you want scrambled eggs you know where the frigging hen house is!'. I was completely mortified."

"It was as if they wanted to shut Regan out," whined Prince Barry. "I know they are my flesh and blood but they isolated her."

Pontius Pudding's face was turning red.

"Another time,"  moaned Regan, "we had been salmon fishing on the Balmoral estate but the gamekeeper did not help me to catch a fish and when I got back to the house one of the gardeners looked at me funny and the butler didn't smile at me and I had to take my own coat off and one of the housemaids was giggling and I felt really, really uncomfortable and it's all because my mother is black."

"Is that all you had to complain about?" said Pontius Pudding, suddenly losing his rag with the pair of them. "Did it ever occur to you that some people live in dire poverty - not knowing where their next meal is coming from? Some people sleep in cold beds or endure life-changing conditions or suffer mental, sexual and physical abuse and you come to this interview with a bunch of pathetic tittle tattle!"

"I say, this wasn't in the Netflix agreement we signed!" winced Prince Barry.

Regan Sparkle was sobbing at this point as she dialled her lawyer to report the latest abuse but Pontius Pudding threw down his microphone and stormed out of the garden room yelling, "I'm not interviewing a pair of entitled gold-digging  twerps who have nothing of substance to complain about. Her Majesty Queen Ermintrude is hardly cold in her grave and yet here you are simpering and trying to look like the victims of some horrendous mistreatment akin to torture.  You have nothing to complain about. Nothing! It's all in your tiny little minds. And you can get somebody else to interview you because I quit!"

After a minute of stunned silence, Emmy-winning director Liz Garbus said to the assembled executive producers - Erica Sashin, Mark Monroe, Dan Cogan, Ben Browning, Chanel Pysnik, Jon Bardin, Mala Chapple and Angus Wall, "I guess we blew it with that guy. Do you think Oprah might step in?"

36 comments:

  1. Well I definitely know where you stand on the Prince Barry situation. You have no sympathy for him. I ignore the whole bunch.

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  2. I don't imagine I'll be watching it.

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  3. Those two make me cringe. And I was always a fan of the Royals.

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    1. To me Prince Harry is a traitor. Pure and simple. In families there are some things that should be left unsaid.

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  4. "I had to take my own coat off" oh the indignity! I agree it really is all in their minds, and I think Ms Sparkle is pulling some strings for her puppet. Maybe I'm wrong. I have to say though, for a couple who left England to have a more private life, they certainly are doing their best to stay in the media. What's private about that? Eh?

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    1. They promised they would disappear to California but they keep getting their snouts in Britain's newspapers. Money must be their god.

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  5. A fun read to go with my muesli this morning. But sadly, too close to the truth.

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    1. I hope I gave you a chuckle Frances.

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  7. Oh, I can't wait for the film to come out.

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    1. I wish the film would come out of the camera and be ruined by over-exposure!

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  8. Good on Pontius Pudding for calling them out. This Netflix series will be so surreal. Sadly I can't afford to subscribe to Netflix but I expect I will hear enough to not bother anyway.

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    1. Shall I organise a whip round for you? Cue violins.

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  9. Brilliant YP!
    From what I've seen in the press, your "article" is right on the ball, and the media critics will not be holding back. One (genuine) comment I read, by an American critic, used the words vomit-making!
    When watching the afore mentioned documentary (I certainly shan't be) no one should forget for one moment that Regan was an actress - albeit a rather talentless D-List nonentity, and whining Barry does as she tells him. Regan is, as we all suspected, insanely jealous of her sister-in-law and has ambitions to be future Queen of the country she despises. Will she stop at nothing to achieve her goal?
    Perhaps it's about time rooms were aired in the Tower and given a couple of coats of whitewash. The building needs to be used for its proper purpose again. Think what a tourist attraction the Whinging Duo, in residence, would be!

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    1. Would their prison pyjamas have an arrow design?

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    2. Of course, and there's a rumour that the stocks will be dusted off, so save your rotten tomatoes!

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  10. I guess I'm too far removed from the subject because I didn't expect your reaction to it. Perhaps because in my own country, whenever someone of a different color gets mistreated, everyone drops everything and focuses on the horror that they went through where I tend to be more like Pontius Pudding and put it in larger context. Either way, I haven't any desire to read the book or watch the Netflix series. I am one of the few on this side of the pond who apparently hasn't watched the Crown.

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    1. High Five Mr Ed! I haven't watched even one moment of "The Crown" either!

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  11. I have no idea what this is about. And I guess I probably don't want to know.

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    1. You must live in a cave Ellen if you haven't heard the latest about the Harry and Meghan bandwagon. The poor darlings! How did they survive the horror?

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    2. Ohhhhhh. Now I get it, Neil! :)

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  12. Those two should be ashamed of themselves. Claiming they want privacy and a quiet life, and then doing everything they can to cash in on manufactured outrage! Prince Barry doesn't seem like the brightest bulb in the box, to be honest, so I'm not surprised he got caught up in Regan's schemes. Too bad.

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    1. Prince Barry was a complete failure at Eton. He probably feels resentful towards his brother William who seems like a decent, intelligent human being who cares about many things apart from himself.

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  13. Well, I'm not sure it's all in their "tiny little minds," but I also don't care that much.

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    1. If they have something to complain about it is of zero importance.

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    2. Not if it's mental health issues which Harry has been very public about and in doing so, has perhaps helped many. I think that losing his mother at age 12 and then being put into the public position he was forced into was very much an example of mental abuse. And cruelty.

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    3. I disagree Mary. He had it easy. Walking behind his mother's coffin must have been painful but how might he have felt if he hadn't done it?

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  14. Very clever. I notice in Australian news they pick on them with no holds barred. They are horrors both of them and their tuppence well of brain cells have ceased working!

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    1. Their ability to make money out of nothing shows their strategy team is working well to maximise their profitability.

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  15. The Essex’ can play the media game , which the Prince of Wales can’t really do
    It will blow over and will be forgotten

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    1. They take advantage of the dignified silences that characterise something of The Royal Family's mystique.

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  16. Them two? ......... no time to think about them or to care about them or their friend, Oprah!!

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Mr Pudding welcomes all genuine comments - even those with which he disagrees. However, puerile or abusive comments from anonymous contributors will continue to be given the short shrift they deserve. Any spam comments that get through Google/Blogger defences will also be quickly deleted.

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