2 July 2015


Where there is a swimming pool, there just have to be rules. For all swimming pool managers out there, I have compiled the ultimate list of swimming pool rules. You are welcome to copy it and to use it as you will as the safety of people around swimming pools is of paramount importance. So here we go then:-

  • Swimmers must shower before entering the pool.
  • No food or drink in the pool area.
  • No diving.
  • No bombing.
  • Chewing gum is strictly forbidden
  • Children must wear armbands or life jackets
  • Skimpy bikinis are not allowed
  • Follow instructions of the lifeguard on duty
  • No running round the pool
  • No shouting
  • No ball games or inflatables allowed
  • No urination in the pool
  • No petting or kissing
  • Women must wear rubber bathing caps
  • No singing
  • Breast stroke only - no freestyle
  • No deliberate splashing of other users
  • No atheists
  • No body piercings or tattoos allowed
  • No plasters or visible injuries
  • No fat people
  • No non-swimmers
  • Nobody who watches "Loose Women" on TV
  • No armpit hair 
  • No dogs or other pets
  • No Welsh people or French
  • No getting wet
  • No holding on to the sides of the pool
  • No swimming.

Have fun!
By order of the management.


  1. Replies
    1. Without rules there would be chaos Helen!

  2. When we have a school swimming carnival , the rules also includes No body paint, No streamers, No spray on hair colour. But we do allow golf balls for the golf ball dive.

    1. What is a carnival without a golf ball dive?

  3. I like girls in skimpy bikinis.
    Is that urinating whilst in the water or from the diving board?

    1. If you like girls in skimpy bikinis why not photograph a few instead of all those creepy crawlies? You are like The David Bellamy of the blogosphere!

  4. Every once in a while you really like to clean house!

    1. As I am only of ordinary intelligence, I don't understand that Canadian expression Red!

  5. Hmmm.... no fat people. I wonder how they are going to enforce that.
    And I think I'll opt for "no going near any swimming pool where such rules are in force".

    By the way I'll be spending this scorchingly hot weekend (37 Celsius and possibly more predicted for Germany) with a small group of my girl friends visiting another girl friend near Hamburg. She lives in a house by a lake with her own pier... I best pack my skimpy bikini, I doubt I will need much else all weekend!

    1. A lake is of course not a swimming pool and different rules apply. Have a lovely weekend Miss Arian and remember to slap on plenty of Factor 30!
      P.S. Will you be fashion modelling your skimpy bikini on your blog? It would attract a flood of visitors!

  6. I have one more rule to add.....'No floating turds'
    Yes, I've witnessed a few.
    Enjoy your swim time :)

    1. I agree. No floating turds allowed - only turds that sink to the bottom...or should that read - from the bottom?

  7. You left out....No babies in diapers. And then I read what the Tennessee Brit wrote. Yuck! Gross!

    As a very light-skinned, light eyed, blonde woman, I spend little time near an outdoor pool. I do however like to go to the beach whenever I am close to an ocean or sea. I just have to cover all exposed surfaces of my body with clothing and wear a large hat!

    1. Yes, I was thinking that's where most of the 'floaters' came from. Gross I know.

    2. So the extra rule we need is simply "No babies allowed in the pool. Any offenders will be removed with the aid of a pitchfork."

  8. Why shouldn't men be required to wear bathing caps? Dustin Brown?

    1. Dustin Brown would need a bin bag rather than a bathing cap!

    2. I was very upset to see Rafa get beaten by Dustin Brown! I love Rafa!

      I've been engrossed in Wimbledon all week...and will be even more so next week...but disappointed Nadal won't be there to thrill. I'm not thrilled with the rude behaviour of our Aussie competitor, Nick Kygrios, though! It's time he pulled his head in...and got a larger pair of boots...as he's grown too big for his boots! He needs to be taken down behind the garden shed and given a severe talking to...and perhaps a clip or two behind the ears!!!!!!!

    3. Isn't Nick Kygrios just behaving like a typical Aussie bloke? I know that Aussie women are cultured and sensitive as you, Helen and Carol prove but the blokes seem to be beer-swilling, misogynistic boors like Jason Donovan for example.

    4. This comment has been removed by the author.

    5. Where do you get your facts from, Yorky....down at the corner pub? :)

      Not all Englishmen behave like Englishmen, either....pot calling kettle black! lol

    6. I was mostly thinking about Helen's husband when I wrote that remark.

  9. I really, really, really hate a lot of signs! If people haven't the commonsense....well, I'll let you add what you will..... :)

  10. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.


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