Across this kingdom, countless families will settle down for their Christmas dinners on Monday afternoon. On almost every table there will be a Christmas cracker by every place setting.
Inside each cracker there will be a paper hat, a small novelty gift and a little piece of paper with a joke printed upon it.
There is a long tradition in Great Britain that Christmas cracker jokes should be very corny. They are not meant to elicit belly laughs. Instead they are supposed to make listeners groan or titter politely. Yes Christmas cracker jokes are rubbish and deliberately so.
Here are some more examples:-
- What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet!
- What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!
- What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues!
- What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
- What happened to the thief who stole an advent calendar? He got 25 days!
- What does a snowman eat for breakfast? Snowflakes!
Surely such "jokes" cannot be terribly hard to make up can they? Anyway, I put my thinking cap on and came up with these three fresh Christmas cracker jokes...
- What do Eminem and Fifty Cent like best at Christmas time? Rapping paper!
- What is the source of our Christmas traditions? Cranberry!
- Why did eleven pipers piping arrive on the eleventh day of Christmas? To fix the plumbing after a heavy frost.
I am proud of the groanworthiness of these new jokes but I must warn any Christmas cracker manufacturers reading this blogpost that my jokes are copyrighted and may only be used following the payment of a large fee.
Please share a Christmas cracker joke you recall or better still - make one up! Note that they must be clean without lewd reference to snowballs, stuffing or Santa's sack.
The Christmas cracker tradition is not common. Even the MM stopped using it.
ReplyDeleteStill very common in England.
DeleteMaybe this is an Inside The UK cracker:
ReplyDeleteWhat is the source of our Christmas traditions? Cranberry!
But I don't get it.
We have cranberry sauce with our roast turkey. SAUCE/SOURCE. Get it now?
DeleteI titter politely. 🙂
Delete*How can you tell the difference between a snow man and a snow lady?
ReplyDeleteSnowballs!
HO! HO! HO!
DeleteWhat did Mrs. Claus answer when Santa asked her to check the weather forecast for Christmas? - "Rain, dear."
ReplyDelete(I think I made that one up. But it is not impossible that I have found it years ago in a Christmas cracker - I honestly can't remember.)
Love your "rapping paper" one :-D
I think I have come across yours before I'm afraid.
DeleteWhat Christmas Carol do dogs like? Bark the Herald Angels sing.
ReplyDeleteIs that an original one Dave? You and I should go into business churning out Christmas cracker jokes. We would make millions! Your suggestion has inspired another... Which Christmas carol is most favoured by men called Dave? - "Once in Royal David's City"
DeleteWhat do Google and Santa Claus have in common? They know if you have been bad or good.
ReplyDeleteStaying family friendly rules out the old joke about why Mr and Mrs Claus have no children.
Oh yeah, I have heard that one. I am so pleased that you self-censored!
DeleteHaven't got a clue, so I'll just wish you and yours, and your followers a very Happy Christmas
ReplyDeleteHere's one... Could you please name your favourite carol?... Coppa's Girl!!!
DeleteI have some crackers around someplace but have forgotten to use them the last couple of years. Maybe I'll have a look around for them but probably not.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the awful jokes and your wonderful sense of humour. Merry Christmas to you and yours Mr. Pudding.
Come on Scrooge! Get the crackers out! It's time to have some FUN!!!!!
DeleteI've never been able to produce a pun in my life and I doubt I'll start being able to do it now. And I have to ask- does no one produce a line of off-color crackers? For the more mature Christmas gatherings?
ReplyDeleteYou mean including the joke that Travel was hinting at above? Why do Mr and Mrs Claus have no children? As you are a refined lady and I am a refined gentleman, I shall not give the answer here.
DeleteWe have never done Christmas crackers over here. I thought there were presents or treats inside so I am a bit disappointed to learn they have corny jokes inside.
ReplyDeleteHave a wonderful Christmas anyway, Neil! :)
Yes there are little presents. One year, every one of our twelve crackers contained a small plastic parachutist with a polythene parachute! It still makes us laugh now as each cracker is meant to contain a different present.
DeleteMy daughter subscribes to a kid magazine that arrives every month with a page full of what I call "dad jokes". Your Christmas cracker ones seem to fall into this category. When quizzed, I can usually guess about half of them but many are so bad, that even I can't guess them.
ReplyDeleteWhat happens if you eat Christmas decorations? You get tinsel-it is.
Ahem! See the end of my post! Zero points for observation my friend.
DeleteWhat does Santa do in his garden all summer? Hoe, hoe, hoe! (not original, but it was always a favorite with my kids)
ReplyDeleteI believe that the term "hoe" can have another meaning in North America?
DeleteIndeed, but without the "e" on the end. Another reason my kids probably enjoyed the joke.
DeleteWhat do you call Santa when he takes a break from delivering presents?
ReplyDeleteChris-missed!
Wishing you a Christmas filled with joy and laughter!
Visit https://www.melodyjacob.com/ for more festive cheer and lighthearted moments!
And here I thought MY humor was corny! So, just for you, what is good to hear after the cracker jokes? A Silent Night.
ReplyDeleteYour closing note is the best joke of all, lol.
ReplyDeleteHappy Christmas.