26 November 2009


A paintbrush

As my last DIY blogpost seems to have gone down well with the intellectually-challenged readership of this blog, here's another...

Cue new theme music "You Can Leave Your Hat On" played on homemade bongos and a washboard by a naked expatriate teacher based in Bangkok. Credits... "I'm in a DIY Jam Get Me Outta Here"

"Good evening. In this programme, I will be focussing on a vital tool in the DIY kitbag - namely the paintbrush. Paintbrushes can be purchased from any reputable DIY store. They come in a range of sizes and are specially designed to make cleaning impossible so when the painting job is over it is best to just throw the bugger away and buy a new brush.

If you would prefer to make your own paintbrush you will need a wooden handle that you can easily carve from a piece of scrap timber and for the bristles you will need a grey squirrel. These vermin like Britney Spears, imported from America, have infested almost every corner of the United Kingdom but they are not easy to trap. We suggest an air rifle. When you have your squirrel carcass, remove the tail with some carpet scissors and affix to to your wooden handle with several lengths of gaffer tape. Before use, ensure the bristles are no longer twitching involuntarily.

Once you have a paintbrush in your hand you are ready to paint, assuming of course that you have previously purchased a tin of paint. Dip the brush in the paint, removing any excess drops and then using vertical movements back and forth apply the paint to your wall, door, window or mother-in-law. This act of painting helps tired or shabby rooms to take on a fresh new look.

When painting, make sure you wear suitable clothing as the paint is likely to get everywhere.
Yes folks. If you have never used a paintbrush before, it's time to get painting. Although it is a highly technical instrument, mastery of the paintbrush can be achieved after a few short years. So, make or buy a paintbrush and change your home.

Next week we will turn our DIY spotlight to hanging pictures on walls. Email in any questions you may have on this fascinating subject to yorkshirepudding@diyjam.co.uk . Until next week then, it's me Yorkshire Pudding wishing you a happy evening and keep on DIYing!"

Cue theme music and closing credits...

Squirrel tails


  1. Just can't wait to get that brush in my hand, YP!!

  2. Fascinating! Here in the Colonies, we prefer to use the tail of the muskrat, especially when painting a narrow surface. As a bonus, the remains of the rat can be used to make a tasty stew!

  3. Did you and Valerie smoke a cigarette afterward?

  4. :-)

    By hook or by crook I'll get my presence in this book! (blog)

    Send this to El Tel on Radio 2- he loves a bit of middle-aged, domestic smut wordplay...


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