Wordplay

Words will often make us laugh. We chuckle at small children's misuses just as we giggle at the verbal faux pas of the elderly. Puns and malapropisms are the stock in trade of your average comedian. Words can be used like weapons but they can also be great fun. You might chortle at some of the following statements but I am afraid I can't claim to have spawned them. They were passed on to me in an e-mail round robin. Apologies if you have already received it....

• When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
• The batteries were given out free of charge.
• A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
• Police were called to a kindergarten where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off?...He's all right now.
• A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
• Those who get too big for their jeans will be exposed in the end.