Visitor

US secret serviceman in Green Park this afternoon

The Eagle has landed. Well, not The Eagle but the incredibly talented, witty, compassionate and humble gentleman who remains the 45th President of the USA. He is here in London with his soulmate, Melanija Knavs from Slovenia.

Surprising as this may sound, I am not fond of  The Commander in Chief so I have myself come down to London to challenge him to a duel - that's if I can get close to him of course. There are police helicopters flying overhead and soldiers on the streets and American secret servicemen in dark sunglasses with revolvers bulging under their armpits.

(Most of the above was published in error earlier on today)

Now I am back at our daughter's flat in north London. I spent almost five hours looking for my target. I visited The Royal Academy and waltzed down Savile Row - famous for tailoring. I thought The President might be there ordering expensive suits to fit his bulky fast food frame but no.

Statue of Joshua Reynolds
outside The Royal Academy

Eventually, I headed back to Green Park but before delving into the underground railway system, I decided to spend an hour on one of the park's  striped deckchairs. It seemed like a nice place to read and £1.80 for the hour didn't seem such a bad deal.

And there I was with novel in hand, turning the pages, when I heard voices from the pair of deckchairs immediately behind me. The man's voice was American but the husky woman's voice was perhaps Balkan or Eastern European.

At first I didn't turn round, preferring to just listen. The man was spouting off about this and that..."Theresa's screwed... I wish I had seen Boris's video beforehand...Sajid Khan is a ****ing dwarf...Let's get pizza!" 

I recognised that voice. Surely it couldn't be. I turned around slowly and stared through the gap between my deckchair and its twin. That was The President - I was sure of it - only he wasn't dressed in his habitual dark suit with a red or blue tie. He was in disguise - dressed as a typical American tourist.

He was wearing Nike trainers with ankle socks, yellow Bermuda shorts and a grey University of Pennsylvania T-shirt with a navy blue baseball cap and sunglasses. Melanija was dressed similarly but in Barbie pink.

It sounded like they had got fed up with the ceremonial rigmarole and had stormed out of one of the royal palaces to enjoy some downtime - like regular tourists from the USA. Surely this was my chance to knock The President down several pegs.

Interesting blue plaque spotted on Savile Row

I stood up and approached the couple but before I had made three strides forward, four secret servicemen pounced upon me. Lord knows where they came from. I tumbled to the ground with an oomph! The President and The First Lady were hurrying away but I managed to yell, "C'mon! Fight me Trump ye great big yellow lump!"

Other park visitors were by now milling around, wondering what the hell was going on. One of the secret servicemen yelled into his concealed microphone, "Mayday! Mayday!" and almost before you could blink, a US military helicopter was landing in the park, blowing all the deckchairs into the bushes.  The celebrity couple were bundled aboard and the still whirring aircraft returned to the sky.

To put it bluntly, I had just failed to save The Earth for which I apologise most sincerely.