29 April 2012

Banned

Captain Brett's right arm
From time to time, you see yachts drifting about the Andaman Sea. Sometimes I go to The Headland and wave my Hull City first team shirt above my head hoping to attract attention. Perhaps it will be Katherine, Mick, Libby or some other blogger who has finally made it to our brave new world. Invariably, the sailboats just drift past and I trudge back miserably to my idyllic but lonely new lifestyle.

I caught some of  "Match of the Day" on my computer this morning and apart from the football, one thing I noticed was the growing number of players whose arms are now adorned with tattoos. What  the hell do these unthinking sheep think they're doing graffitiing their bodies indelibly like this? How will the tattoos look when their grandchildren visit them in their old people's rest homes? And what is it about these horrible, ugly markings that they like?

Co-incidentally, later in the morning, a luxury yacht anchored at our wharf. Monty Python's "Lumberjack Song" was blasting out of the boat's sound system. I went over to see what was happening. It was a bunch of arrogant, wealthy Canadians guzzling "Molson" beer. They thought they were still in Burmese waters and could pull up anchor where ever they like. The "skipper" hopped on to one of the wooden walkways and introduced himself as "Brett". I noticed that one of his arms was covered with ugly tattoos (see photo above)

It was there and then that I made a unilateral legal decision on behalf of all absent citizens of Blogland - that henceforth it will be unlawful for any residents of Blogland or foreign visitors to step upon our shores with visible tattoos. Anyone found revealing tattoos will be subject to the full weight of the law and will risk immediate deportation. May I suggest therefore that any tattooed bloggers still intent on joining me over here should apply for laser removal as soon as possible.
The Canadian Yacht -   The Jolly Lumberjack

14 comments:

  1. No need, YP. Not something Keith or I have ever been attracted to!

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  2. I'm afraid modern footballers have too much time on the hands and end up with an armful or two of tattoos and/or silly haircuts. You can imagine the conversation after training: 'What's it to be lads - the barbers or the tattooist?'

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  3. JENNY When I met you at "The Sportsman" I could have sworn I saw the head of a dolphin poking out from the sleeve of your blouse!
    SHOOTING PARROTS Yes, the poor devils! What a hard life they have to endure!

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  4. Hi YP.
    Tattoos Why anyone would want to have a permanent disfigurement is beyond me, I don’t have any, I’ve never been so inclined other than to have a tattoo on the inside of the arm showing blood group.

    I remember the time I spent with the Sarawak Rangers in Borneo. Little people but great trackers straight off the trees tattooing some of my soldiers with pine needles and some blue fluid concoction, looked bloody painful, definitely not for me

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  5. Thank God. I thought for one awful moment, until I read the photo caption, that that svelte torso and colorful right arm was yours. I'm so relieved.

    (waving hand from back of classroom) Professor, professor, "graffiti" is a noun, but you turned it into a gerund, which is a verb. They tell me the usual punishment in that part of the world is caning, but your Conservative government back home has managed to convince the Burmese gendarmes (disguised as Canadian drunkards) to spare you since it was your first offense. Good thing you aren't in Singapore.

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  6. Thank God. I thought for one awful moment, until I read the photo caption, that that svelte torso and colorful right arm was yours. I'm so relieved.

    (waving hand from back of classroom) Professor, professor, "graffiti" is a noun, but you turned it into a gerund, which is a verb. They tell me the usual punishment in that part of the world is caning, but your Conservative government back home has managed to convince the Burmese gendarmes (disguised as Canadian drunkards) to spare you since it was your first offense. Good thing you aren't in Singapore.

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  7. MICK As I wrote these thoughts about tattoos, I half-imagined that there'd be a hunting scene on your back with the fox going to earth. So pleased to hear your skin is unblemished.
    RHYMES WITH...Okay - no need to say it twice. One day I am sure that the Oxford English Dictionary will endorse "graffiti" as a verb as well as a noun. You won't be so gleeful then - no siree!

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  8. It's taken 4 months egg money but I now have the full size tattoo of matt cardle removed from my back and buttocks
    the things I have sacrificed for you YP!

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  9. Not even (a little tat of) Wensleydale?

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  10. EARL GRAY Tattoos are certainly not becoming for a member of the nobility! So I guess I've done you a favour.
    KATHERINE Why have a lump of cheese tattooed on your body? Remember, it's a temple and you shouldn't desecrate it with cheese imagery.

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  11. ARCTIC FOX I didn't realise that you had the effect on women! Excellent rump.

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  12. Wow. I want one too. Has Dawn copyrighted it?

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