13 December 2008


....Ohhhh! Moooan! Grooaaan! My aching head! I swear that is the last time I ever host an awards ceremony at Pudding Towers! The mess! You should see it. Empty beer cans and wine bottles everywhere! Somebody knocked over our prized giant yucca plant on the decking and though I hate to say it, this morning I found two perfectly formed human turds on the floor of our greenhouse. Who would do such a thing?

Thank God all the bloggers have finally departed clutching their awards and nursing their sore heads. I must say the night was all a blur to me but I keep having vivid and scary flashbacks. In the snooker room, I found Katherine (Last Visible Dog) in a compromising position on the green baize as Arthur Clewley tried, unsuccessfully, to pot the black. In the kitchen, Mr R.W.Plague from Georgia was raiding the fridge with Sam from "The Golden Hill" though we had put on a splendid Yorkshire buffet for our blogging guests. "Ya see y'all we ain't chompin on no hog's trotters nor Pukka pies!" grumbled Mr Plague with a twenty four inch pizza in his hand. Sam was clutching a perfectly formed saveloy sausage.

Daphne was in the conservatory giving a lecture on the nuances of the English language as "The Arctic Fox" ran in from the garden with a pair of pink knickers on his head - hotly pursued by Hadriana from "Hadriana's Treasures!" "Give them back you bounder!" she yelled.

Upstairs, Reidski and JJ were testing the springs on my "Silent Night" kingsize bed as Jenny the demob happy teacher sifted through my vast collection of Hull City programmes with Steve from "Occupied Country" and a couple of other football crazy bloggers.

I was horrified to discover the mysterious Australian blogger Craig teaching Mopsa and Misterwoppit how to snort some strange white powder in my daughter's bedroom. I quickly guessed what it was and frog-marched Craig downstairs. He tried to resist but with him only being an Australian, he was easily subdued and I threw the blighter outside yelling, "When we send you to Botany Bay, we expect you to stay there!"

Around two in the morning we had a live beamback on my computer from Farida and Brad in Seattle. Farida was charming as always, graciously accepting her joint Best American Blogger Award for the fifth year running. Brad on the other hand was running amok, beating his hairy chest with unbridled disappointment. But how can he expect to win blog awards when he doesn't actually blog any more?

David from NZ and the Three Legged Cat from just up the road in Sheffield had sent their apologies citing transport problems. Ah well! Thank heavens it's all over and done with now. Before everybody left this morning we gathered in the ballroom to say our farewells and sing the bloggers' hymn: "Bloggers of the World Unite".
A delighted Daphne (Laughing Horse Worsdmith of the Year Award Winner) receives her coveted award from the dashing Mr Yorkshire Pudding at last night's star-studded ceremony.


  1. Slanderous lie! I wil not have untruths told about me and Arthur! It was the yellow one.

  2. It was a fantastic evening and I felt my talk went well. If anyone left without my exciting reference sheet on "The Apostrophe and Its Uses" I can send them on a copy. I'm sorry about the red wine stains in the conservatory - we got a bit carried away.

  3. Daphne, please would you send me another one? Mine got completely ruined.

  4. "Jenny the demob happy teacher sifted through my vast collection of Hull City programmes" - NEVER in a million years, YP!!!NEVER! (in case you weren't quite clear on that.) :)

  5. Hmm...I wouldn't know a saveloy sausage from a Milk Bone Dog Biscuit. And by the way, how do you define a "perfectly formed" turd??? Does it look anything like a saveloy sausage?

  6. How did you know about the pink knickers?

  7. Great evening BTW. When's the next party?

  8. KATHERINE I was speaking metaphorically about the snooker!
    DAPHNE The apostrophe is very handy for fixing pipe leaks in your central heating. Get a handful of the little devils, squeeze them together and you have a very useful sticky substance to plug holes with.
    JENNYTA You were so tipsy you didn't know what you were doing dear! Being a closet football programme collector is nothing to be ashamed of! You make it sound like porn!
    SAM Ah ha Sam! You spotted the deliberate repetition of the term "perfectly formed" to cunningly associate saveloys with turds. Applause! Furthermore, British comediennes will often compare a certain dangly part of the male anatomy with the humble saveloy!
    HADRIANA How did I know about the pink knickers? I saw them on Foxy's head of course! Don't worry, I won't tell your husband!

  9. YP. What on this Earth makes you think I can't recognise a perfectly-formed metaphor when I read one? Stomps off muttering small sausage-shaped mutterings with Arthur's y-fronts on her head...

  10. Anonymous12:18 pm

    I kept telling you it was really icing sugar.

  11. Hah! I blogged a few days ago. I think once a month is enough, especially when everyone is always so chatty! Er, there's something I have to confess though-- never mind. You'll find out soon enough.


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