The scene is set in a bijou apartment in South London. It is the love nest of Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson and his thirty two year old mistress, Carrie Symonds. As the action opens Johnson is snoozing on the cream-coloured sofa. A glass of red wine he had been holding in his left hand has tumbled over.
JOHNSON Zzzzzzzz! (He mutters in his sleep) Fight them on the beaches...night night Nanny Fifi....zzzzzzz! Britannia rules the waves...ME.ME.ME zzzzzz! (He snores in a porcine manner)
CARRIE (re-entering the lounge in her silk kimono) Boris! Boris! You have spilt your bloody wine all over my new sofa! WAKE UP! You've spilt your wine!
JOHNSON Zzzzzz!...Eh? What? It wasn't me Marina! Urgh? Where am I?
CARRIE You are in my flat and you have spilt your wine again! My sofa is spoilt! I will never get that stain out!
JOHNSON Hush! Hush my little one. Come and play with Little Bojo you frisky filly!
(He attempts to grab Carrie but she retreats to the hallway slamming the door behind her)
JOHNSON Come back fair Desdemona! Let us stroll by the babbling stream to Canaan.
CARRIE (returning to the lounge and again slamming the door with all of her might) I am sick of you Boris!
JOHNSON (Successfully grabbing Carrie this time) Oh my ravishing damsel. Th'art fairer than a sunset over Isis.
CARRIE Get off me! Get out of my flat!
JOHNSON Is it your time of the month you fiery sprite!
CARRIE You absolute pig!
(There is the sound of a neighbour hammering on the door. They ignore it.)
CARRIE (Accidentally knocking Johnson's takeaway plate on the floor where it smashes to pieces) Shit! I told you to clear up this mess. When's the last time you put anything in the dishwasher?
JOHNSON It's all trivial fair Nancy. Let us away to the bedchamber!CARRIE You just don’t care for anything because you’re spoilt. You have no care for money or anything! Just look at the sofa! You haven't even seen what you have done.
JOHNSON I am the PM designate my sweetness! I have weighty matters of state to address not the tittle tattle of domesticity.
CARRIE I should have listened to my mother. You are just not good enough for me! I am going to bed!
JOHNSON Wait for me my honeydew melon!
CARRIE You can sleep on the sofa tonight. I'll get you some straw!
(There is a knocking and bell ringing at the front door. Carrie goes to look through the spyhole)
CARRIE It's the police!
JOHNSON (Swallowing) Oh no! Tell them we were just having a little domestic. It would not do for this little tete-a-tete to get in the papers. No, it wouldn't do at all. (Johnson emits a resounding fart).
Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson (aged 55) remains the front-runner in the race to replace Theresa May as the prime minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. This imagined scene is loosely based on events reported in "The Guardian" - surrounding a domestic disturbance in South London on Thursday night.
With my conspiracy mind I am wondering how much they paid the neighbour to get a recording of them rowing. lolReplyDelete
Maybe there are other more intimate recordings of Johnson and Carrie in bedroom role plays - Napoleon and Josephine, Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun, Popeye and Olive Oyl.Delete
He is a boor and a dickhead! An intelligent one but a dickhead nevertheless. And she's right about him being a spoilt brat. Never had to worry about money and I suspect all this "Brexit" business is just him enjoying the limelight because he really couldn't give a damn which way it goes - it just amuses him!ReplyDelete
It is said that he chose to go "Leave" on the toss of a coin. It might easily have been "Remain". As you suggest, it's just a game to him - like Eton Fives or the Oxford and Cambridge boat race.Delete
Well all this morning there has been people excusing him, just his character, etc, etc. How low can this Conservative party go, when they would put this unstable character into office. The 'domestic' was terribly timed, it still makes me giggle but then politics have hit a new comedy, just like you have written.ReplyDelete
I think my imagined version is by no means as loud, angry or violent as the reality was.Delete
Oh, and I always thought he was such a nice man 😉ReplyDelete
He's no saint that's for sure.Delete
Anyway, it is good to know you are back home safe and sound. Just in time for the heat wave that is forecast for next week (at least for my part of the globe).ReplyDelete
Two nice days so far. We timed our holiday perfectly.Delete
He sort of looks like Trump. So. I sort of hate him.ReplyDelete
Trump loves him so your distaste is well-placed.Delete
That's rather funny. A fair depiction of their conversation I reckon.ReplyDelete
I toned it down Sue. By all accounts the confrontation was louder and more violent. I guess your neighbours hear similar arguments from time to time.Delete
One of the last taboos in society: the "domestic". People will close their ears to it. More is the pity. Particularly when children are involved. Children who don't have the freedom of leaving the battle scene. I was one of those children. For some couples, and it beggars belief, it appears to be a form of foreplay.ReplyDelete
Fast forward a few years: I was in my early twenties, reasonably freshly married (to a pretty laid back young man my age). On visiting my parents at the weekend my father asked me where I got the black eye from. "Ran into a door", I said. "Sure", he roared with laughter, "they all say that". Come again? I actually had hit a door (in pursuit of our cat who got herself into a rather precarious situation) - so that was the truth. A truth naturally not believed. What I want to know: Why did my father find it a laughing matter?
It is perhaps salutary that that particular memory has remained with you through the years Ursula. We never know what really happens behind closed doors.Delete
I'm hoping that - unlike in the USA - this boor will be undone politically by this revelation.ReplyDelete
"Boor" is the correct label for him Jenny-O. He is pumped up with self-importance.Delete
To me he comes across as a complete idiot. Why do people vote for such clowns? I'm not reacting to this tiff. It's what's been going on for a long time.ReplyDelete
I would rather have The Micro Manager as Britain's new PM than Boris Johnson.Delete
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Love it! Although wasn't there also something along the lines of, "Get off my laptop!"ReplyDelete
You are right. I should have included that. I wonder what sites Johnson likes to look at on his laptop.Delete