The scene is set in a bijou apartment in South London. It is the love nest of Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson and his thirty two year old mistress, Carrie Symonds. As the action opens Johnson is snoozing on the cream-coloured sofa. A glass of red wine he had been holding in his left hand has tumbled over.
JOHNSON Zzzzzzzz! (He mutters in his sleep) Fight them on the beaches...night night Nanny Fifi....zzzzzzz! Britannia rules the waves...ME.ME.ME zzzzzz! (He snores in a porcine manner)
CARRIE (re-entering the lounge in her silk kimono) Boris! Boris! You have spilt your bloody wine all over my new sofa! WAKE UP! You've spilt your wine!
JOHNSON Zzzzzz!...Eh? What? It wasn't me Marina! Urgh? Where am I?
CARRIE You are in my flat and you have spilt your wine again! My sofa is spoilt! I will never get that stain out!
JOHNSON Hush! Hush my little one. Come and play with Little Bojo you frisky filly!
(He attempts to grab Carrie but she retreats to the hallway slamming the door behind her)
JOHNSON Come back fair Desdemona! Let us stroll by the babbling stream to Canaan.
CARRIE (returning to the lounge and again slamming the door with all of her might) I am sick of you Boris!
JOHNSON (Successfully grabbing Carrie this time) Oh my ravishing damsel. Th'art fairer than a sunset over Isis.
CARRIE Get off me! Get out of my flat!
JOHNSON Is it your time of the month you fiery sprite!
CARRIE You absolute pig!
(There is the sound of a neighbour hammering on the door. They ignore it.)
CARRIE (Accidentally knocking Johnson's takeaway plate on the floor where it smashes to pieces) Shit! I told you to clear up this mess. When's the last time you put anything in the dishwasher?
JOHNSON It's all trivial fair Nancy. Let us away to the bedchamber!CARRIE You just don’t care for anything because you’re spoilt. You have no care for money or anything! Just look at the sofa! You haven't even seen what you have done.
JOHNSON I am the PM designate my sweetness! I have weighty matters of state to address not the tittle tattle of domesticity.
CARRIE I should have listened to my mother. You are just not good enough for me! I am going to bed!
JOHNSON Wait for me my honeydew melon!
CARRIE You can sleep on the sofa tonight. I'll get you some straw!
(There is a knocking and bell ringing at the front door. Carrie goes to look through the spyhole)
CARRIE It's the police!
JOHNSON (Swallowing) Oh no! Tell them we were just having a little domestic. It would not do for this little tete-a-tete to get in the papers. No, it wouldn't do at all. (Johnson emits a resounding fart).
Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson (aged 55) remains the front-runner in the race to replace Theresa May as the prime minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. This imagined scene is loosely based on events reported in "The Guardian" - surrounding a domestic disturbance in South London on Thursday night.