6 April 2012

Preparation

This post has been devised so that it may only be read by bloggers who make up the first wave of emigrants to Blogland . Remember we leave next Wednesday and you should report to the main information desk in your designated airport by midday in order to pick up your tickets. Don't forget your passport.

As well as packing your cases and buying summery shirts, shorts, flip flops, sun cream, bathing costumes and other personal stuff, you need to listen carefully to the following instruction.

It is important that you create a small bank of "typical" blogposts  with staggered publication dates so that while in transit to Blogland and indeed while settling in to your new life, the outer world is blind to what has taken place and imagines that our dull lives are just trucking along the same as ever. If we don't do this we may find that other less desirable people will follow us. Remember what happened with America? A small bunch of settlers went there on "The Mayflower" in  1620, others followed and now that country is like a huge colony of ants with 313 million inhabitants.. We don't want the same to happen in Blogland. So to repeat - create a bank of posts that will publish automatically as dated.

If blogstipated, here are a few suggestions for "ghost" posts:-

Jenny - The History of the Eisteddfod, Wrexham Football Club and Successful Dog Training.
Jan Blawat - How to make a pineapple cheesecake, Sacramento Mountain Lions and American gun laws.
Shooting Parrots - Car Maintenance, Was Bessie Braddock a Sex Symbol?... and Why Manchester people talk in nasal monotones
Rhymes With Plague -  My Swedish love child, Peach recipes from the Peach State, Looking after your organ.
Daphne - Swimming in The River Aire, The ancient roleplay game of "doctors and nurses", preparing tripe and onions for dinner guests.
Earl Gray - Nursing injured starlings and badgers, "If You Look Good You Feel Good" - the history of British tailoring, Why a brand of tea was named after me.
Arctic Fox - Cosmetics for men, Geocaching for beginners, Life without meat.
Libby - Obsessional Home Security, Libby's canned meats including Chicken Vienna Sausages, Alcoholism via red wine.
Katherine - My Secret Muffin Recipe, The History of Cricket in New Zealand, Ode to Edmund Hillary (A poem).
Brian - Dancing the Fandango with a Catalonian Senorita, The real reason why I was expelled from Britain, Famous Brians.
Helen - What I loved about Aussie schools, Cooking with koala meat, Tony's most irritating habits.

Have I missed anybody out? Honestly, I'm starting to feel like Captain Kirk assembling the first crew of the Starship Enterprise... "to boldly go where no man has gone before".

24 comments:

  1. oh I can feel a movie comming on
    YP TOM WILKINSON
    jENNYTA: MERYL STREEP
    EARL GRAY: RUSSELL CROWE
    jENNY: STEPHANIE POWERS
    SP:GEORGE CLOONEY

    WADDA U THINK?
    hOLLYWOOD HERE WE COME

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  2. Posting what I know about car maintenance won't take very long, but I can definitely reprise my 'Bessie Braddock: Style Icon' homage.

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  3. EARL GRAY Tom Wilkinson is 64 yrs old! Far too old to play my part. How about Justin Biebers instead? But a great idea all the same - "Blogland" - The Movie.
    SPARROTS Surely you can manage a short post about car maintenance! Describe phoning up the garage, booking your car in and then driving along to get it maintained by some Mancunian grease monkeys who all look like Gary Neville. Already looking forward to your Bessie Braddock post.

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  4. I won't need to worry about security on the Island will I? and if I'm in the movie someone told me the other day I look like Penelope Wilton.......

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  5. I think an Aussie girl should play the part of this Aussie girl in John's movie ... perhaps Elle MacPherson !!??
    Cheers

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  6. without sounding too gauche - I once rode Elle Macpherson's horse around Great Fryupdale!!

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  7. Are these ghost posts to be the three consecutive days following departure? i.e. Thu 12th, Fri 13th and Sat 14th April?

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  8. Mission accomplished. Diversionary posts written and scheduled as ordered.

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  9. HELEN Unfortunately Ellie's not available. How about Barry Humphreys instead?
    ARCTIC FOX Was Ellie's horse a police horse and who were your riding companions?...No the ghost posts can be scattered through mid to late April.
    SHOOTING PARROTS Go to the top of the class my lad! If only the other emigrants were as compliant.

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  10. Hi The Yorkshire Pudding.
    Please would you consider my late applicate to join in your emigrants to Blogland.
    I’ve just about had it with living in the UK and feel I want to become a free agent again and your new abode sounds idyllic for me. What jobs or employment are allocated to me if I'm sucessful I will most certain perform with enthusiasm _ Mick

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  11. YP - No it wasn't a police horse but it WAS a poliTe horse!! My riding companions on the day were my good ladyfriend Dawn and a horse dentist whose parents owned the stable at which Elle's horse was kept. I don't like horses at all but it was a memorable experience in a lovely part of the world.

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  12. Suffice it to say that when my Swedish love child looks after my organ, it involves peach recipes from the Peach State.

    Forgive me, Father, but I'm beginning to be a little wary of this one-way trip to Blogland. Could "Yorkshire Pudding" be another name for Marshall Applewhite? Could Blogland be as unvisitable as Comet Hale-Bopp? Are we all doomed? Read this.

    We shouldn't be so eager to follow attractive strangers and trade away what we have for the unknown. Remember the Pied Piper of Hamelin. On the other hand, remember the movie Cocoon.

    I am conflicted.

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  13. MICK Phew! Talk about leaving it to the last minute! (I note your last post by the way!) We have earmarked the Driftwood Cottage for you. There you will be able to grow tropical vegetables and feed your chickens before strolling down to the beach to watch other bloggers cavorting in games of beach volleyball. WILL YOU BE ABLE TO REPORT TO MANCHESTER AIRPORT BY NOON NEXT WEDNESDAY? GO TO THE INFORMATION DESK.
    RHYMES WITH... It's natural to experience cold feet when standing on the verge of such a life-changing opportunity. But sometimes, like the pioneers of the Wild West you just have to go for it. May I assure you sir, everything will be lovely and I look forward to sharing a bottle of peach schnapps with you under palm fronds before the weekend clambake...clambake - we're gonna have a clambake.

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  15. Hey, Mr. P. What about me? Just because I have been off the radar for a couple of weeks does not mean you can give my home and cabana boy to some other Sheila, you know.

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  16. I've missed which airline I'm supposed to go to. Can I use Hawaiian airlines? I have an $800 credit there. The spring asparagus is coming in at the corn stand, I'll bring a crate or two. Is there a sports team named the Sacramento Mountain Lions, or should I write about the wild felines? I don't know much about sports anymore.

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  17. A post about Wrexham football club? No way, Jose!! Football is anathema to me. Instead, I will do one entitled 'Voyage autour de NASA.' Paddy and Jake have had their injections and are all ready with their red spotted hankies over their shoulders.
    Re the movie - could I play me? I have always wanted to be a film star.

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  18. MOUNTAIN THYME Ooops! I knew I'd missed someone. Can you report to the main information desk in Denver International Airport next Wednesday round about noon? There you'll be able to pick up your tickets and onward flight details. There's a lovely villa in the clearing a short distance from Mick's with views of the Andaman Sea through the palms. I think it will suit you fine.
    JAN BLAWAT Just report to the main information desk at San Francisco Airport.I can't remember which carrier has been reserved for you. I think it might be Thai Airways. Of course Sacramento Mountain Lions is a football team not a litter of wild animals!
    JENNY Regarding the movie, our producer has already signed up Katherine Jenkins to play you with Andy Secombe (Harry's son) probably lined up to play Keith. Should we sack Ms Jenkins? She will be devastated as she has spent ages practising your walk!

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  19. Oh well, I guess fame is going to pass me by yet again.!

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  20. Oh, thank you Mr. Pudding. I knew you would not go without me. I am at the moment sewing some sundresses and swimming outfits. Would any of the other ladies like me to make them a swimming costume before I depart?

    I am worried that a film crew and a film will spoil our idealic new blogland and that a lot of characters will want to come too. How are we to avoid the envy of those who will eventually view the film?

    Also, Mr. P, could you get Ms. Streep to play me in the movie? We were born on the same day, are both blond and both a little cantankerous.

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  21. (In)Famous Brians, eh? Ok, probably a good idea , there's so many it'll fill a years worth of posts - nobody'll know I've gone.

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  22. Look YP, I'm so busy painting, I haven't time to research cricket history, but I can do the recipe and the poem, I guess. I'll just post my favourite youtube clips in between times.

    Libby - I thought I looked like Penelope Winton! Looking forward to meeting you very soon!

    Mountain Thyme, yes please. I'll email you my measurements as I'm not sure they're for public view. Would you mind making two suits - one 2 inches less all 'round than the first? I'm on a diet which is going rather well, if I may say so myself. Well, it was until that chocolate bunny yesterday.

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  23. Hi The Yorkshire Pudding.
    Many thanks for accepting application. Manchester Airport Wednesday, Yes no problem for me. I like the sounds of Driftwood cottage, my mind boggles with its image
    Gardening, I may a need a hand with that, Chickens a new venture for me, eggs of course will be free, any objections if I import a pig or two then fresh eggs and bacon for breakfast later on when established - Mick.

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  24. BRIAN There have been so many significant Brians. In fact I'm surprised there isn't a Brianland!
    KATHERINE Okay...but I thought you'd be proud to boast about NZ cricketing achievements, After all you are vice captain of the Tauranga Ladies XI.
    MICK I don't think Emirates take kindly to passengers who try to smuggle live pigs on board. Don't worry about your gardening expertise - there will be a lot of helpful advice close at hand. We can import a couple of pigs for you from the aminland. See you Wednesday.

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Mr Pudding welcomes all genuine comments - even those with which he disagrees. However, puerile or abusive comments from anonymous contributors will continue to be given the short shrift they deserve. Any spam comments that get through Google/Blogger defences will also be quickly deleted.