I heard a whisper that fresh supplies of toilet rolls and hand sanitiser would soon be delivered to my local "Lidl" store. I grabbed my coat and hightailed it over there.
"What's the hurry?" grumbled Clint who had been dozing in the afternoon sunshine.
We screeched into the car park and I rushed to bag a trolley then sped into the store. To my horror, I discovered that a crowd of shoppers were gathering at the toilet roll section as supermarket employees attempted to re-stock the shelves. It was pure chaos.
Being a big lad with bulging biceps, I managed to elbow my way through the other customers and grabbed an armful of toilet roll packs. Then I went back for more. There was even a toilet roll tug of war with a Russian lorry driver called Olga. No gentlemanly decorum I'm afraid. Needs must.
From the corner of my eye I saw boxes of hand sanitiser arriving from the stockroom on a big trolley steered by Ray the assistant manager. He gave me a knowing wink and a quick thumbs up. Before he could even rip open the cartons I had grabbed three boxes - each containing a hundred "Medex" hand sanitiser dispensers.
It was "mission impossible" but I managed it. The checkout woman asked if I really needed so many toilet rolls and so much hand sanitiser but I was not prepared to legitimise her question with a response. I tapped in my PIN number and paid the £327 requested.
Driving home in Clint's cabin, I was surrounded by toilet rolls. The hand sanitiser was in the boot (American: trunk).
When I got home, Shirley was flabbergasted.
"What the hell have you bought all that for? You must be mad!"
"I'm going to be an entrepreneur my dear! Gonna make lots of dough."
______________________________________________________
Exclusive offer to all Yorkshire Pudding visitors:-
Single toilet roll (white) - ONLY £3.50 (US $5.00)
Hand sanitiser dispenser (500 ml) - ONLY £8.00 (US $10.00)
Add £2.00 postage and packing for each order (Great Britain) or $10.00 (US)
Send all orders to Yorkshire Pudding Enterprises. Act quickly while stocks last.
Thank you for the best laugh all day!
ReplyDeleteYou are welcome Terry. Have you placed your order yet?
DeleteSo you're the cause of all the mad rush to buy TP. I suppose you bought up the face masks too!
ReplyDeleteI haven't got any face masks Red but a friend of mine works at the B&Q DIY store and he tells me they are expecting a new face mask delivery on Monday.
DeleteLOL! I notice there are no Canadian conversions. Those would look even worse! ($6.71 Cdn for that single roll!)
ReplyDeleteI know it's not funny for those who are truly affected by the panic buying (or entrepreneurship?) of others, but your fiction IS funny :)
Happy to have made you chuckle Scarlett!
DeletePeople are going mad! We have stores closing today because they have no stock left! I just want to stock up on wine, that's all! Oh, and some food, I guess. Can't find any hand sanitizer anymore so with a delivery of Aloe Vera today, I will be making my own in the morning. 3 parts 60% or more alcohol to one part Aloe and a few drops of Tea Tree Essential Oil. Make sure all the equipment you are using has been sterilized before hand. Continued good luck and good health to you and Mrs. P and the little peas.
ReplyDeleteYou could have a neighbourhood stall in the suburbs of Denver. Mama Thyme's Natural Hand Sanitiser - only $20. Bring your own empty dispenser.
DeleteI wondered who was buying all the toilet paper and hand sanitizer. Now I know, it is a mad entrepreneur out your way.
ReplyDeleteI'm like Donald Trump before he became president - always on the look out for ways to develop my business empire.
DeleteFunny! The price gouging is going on in some places here and officials are reminding everyone of the fact that doing so is illegal. From what I've been hearing no one will be seeing anymore hand sanitizer in any stores. I've heard a few suggest that the government might be holding it but who knows. There are no sanitizing cleaning wipes, sanitizing cleaning liquid or any isopropyl alcohol available. At least that makes more sense than hoarding toliet paper! When we bought groceries the store actually had toliet paper and you should have seen how many people had carts full of it! We bought one package only and now I'm wondering if that was a mistake to not get more!
ReplyDeleteOur city, state and country have all declared a state of emergency now and any and all activities, games, etc. have been canceled. They even canceled Comic Con!
How will you survive with so little toilet paper? You had better order some from me Bonnie!
DeleteDo you have the super soft quilted luxury rolls available because I don't like the cheap stuff? Quantity discount?
ReplyDeleteAll my paper is soft and suitable for a lady's bottie. Personally approved by The Duchess of Sussex. As a special favour to you I will knock the price of a roll down to £3.45.
DeleteNo shipping to the EU?
ReplyDeleteThis week, I went to buy my usual amount of groceries at my local Aldi. As I know my Mum wants to bake for the weekend, I wanted to get her a packet of flour (1 kg). The shelf was completely empty, and a red sign above it said "Only two per customer". No home-made cake then this weekend.
No shipping to the EU? I am sorry to say that I do not own a ship!
DeleteWell, YP, you would have laughed yesterday. I was in both our supermarkets but didn't need toilet rolls and haven't yet got to the stage of needing to supplement my pension by such entrepreneurial enterprises as your ingenuity has displayed. Which is a good job. There were, apparently, no toilet rolls to be had. A friend who had run out and actually needed some was not very happy at the stockpilers. Anyway I went off to have coffee with a friend who has a husband with many irons in many fires. When I told her of our mutual friend's plight all it took was a phone call. Our mutual friend now has toilet rolls. It's not what you know. It's whom you know.
ReplyDeleteI am surprised that the residents of The Isle of Lewis require toilet rolls. I thought that you guys just lifted your kilts and crouched by the incoming tide.
DeleteThe pal was a gal. They are much fussier.
DeletePanic buying is as antisocial as it is stupid. Funny for some but tragic for others. My dad can only fit a pack of four loo rolls into the basket on his mobility scooter. When they run out I don't know what he will do. Still, he buys the Daily Express daily - just for the crossword you know. They should come in handy.
ReplyDeleteI have just thought....the idea of my dad wiping his bum on Nigel Farage's ugly grinning face......
DeleteI wouldn't deign to wipe my bottie on Farage's face - not even a picture of it!
DeleteOur local supermarket has announced rationing. Three items per customer on loo roll, kitchen roll and soap. I was buying bread and milk. In front of me in the queue was a woman with two younger women (looked like her daughters) each with their allotted 3 items. I wonder if she was also planning to send grandchildren in as well to get their three items each?
ReplyDeletePerhaps they eat a lot of curry and baked beans. I imagine that Lord Peregrine requires a lot of toilet paper each day. If your supply is running low you had best order a few rolls from me.
DeleteI hope your money-grabbing profiteering comes to nought. You should be ashamed. However, when it is and when you are, I might consider ordering one of those iconic toys of your penniless youth - a dett-der-der, or even a bass didgeridoo.
ReplyDeleteWhere there's muck there's brass Tasker.
DeleteI might also be interested when you have enough empty plastic bottles to make a Tracy Island.
DeleteI'm not called Blue Peter tha' knows!
DeleteCan you use toilet rolls to soak the 60% alcohol out of the sanitiser? I'll take the lot.
DeleteOkay. That's a deal. Send £154.99 to my bank account 03012469 Sort code 08-33-14
DeleteP.S. This is not an elaborate scam.
I was going to pour scorn on you for adding to the shortage and then realised it was one of you jokes. You have given me and Tom a good laugh.
ReplyDeleteBriony
x
Please don't pour scorn on me! It burns like acid. I am happy to have given you a giggle Briony!
DeleteI can't figure out why people think that the stocks of toilet paper will be depleted before the food is. And didn't humans manage somehow without toilet paper for eons? I know that this will disgust a few folks but come on- rags would do in a pinch and can be washed and reused.
ReplyDeleteOne could also use a hosepipe out in the yard.
DeleteHosepipe in the yard!! Haha.
DeleteI call mine "the yard". I don't know what you call yours Jennifer!
DeleteLast Sunday the New York Times had an article about people learning to return to the wild to live. They used moss for toilet paper.
ReplyDeleteMoss? Need to check for fallen thorns and biting insects first John.
DeleteThat was funny, loo rolls were just lolling around on the shelves at Pickering Co-op.
ReplyDeleteWe've got plenty of moss being thrown off the roof by the birds - do you have to dry it out I wonder?
We could use strips of cloth and wash after use. Brown cloth would be best.
Delete"Brown cloth".....you're on a ROLL today!
DeleteOh - ROLL! I get it Jennifer.
DeleteThanks for the laugh. Well played my friend.
ReplyDeleteDon't just laugh lady! Place your order!
DeleteYou are an American at heart. At least in terms of commercial opportunity.
ReplyDeleteYou should have let Olga have some TP, just because of her name!
I named the Russian lorry driver after your hound so I am glad you spotted that. I was tempted to write that Olga "panted like a dog" and was wearing a T-shirt with a squirrel on the front.
DeleteSo YP, the National Toilet Roll Emergency is all down to you, is it! I might have known you'd have a hand in it somewhere! When you've depleted your stocks, will you be flogging back copies of the Daily Mirror, Sun, or Daily Worker, together with a nail and cheap rental of a hammer? Will you still blog when you're a self-made millionaire?
ReplyDeleteHa-Ha! Nice one CG! When I follow up your newspaper strips on a nail idea I shall be using "The Daily Telegraph" and "The Daily Mail" along with "The Sun". And when I am a millionaire I will have a blonde secretary called Chardonnay to blog for me.
Deletemy friend just tried to order LYAOL online,...one spray can priced at 114.00 dollars!!! You are on to something here!
ReplyDeleteOH sorry, that was LYSOL.
ReplyDeleteWe all make mistakes Linda Sue! Even your beloved president who is probably behind the LYSOL price hike.
DeleteSwap you a loo roll for some pasta!
ReplyDeleteOkay. 5kg of Waitrose pasta for one loo roll.
Delete