Wilf, a chauffeur for Sheffield City Council, greeted me at Manchester Airport and I was soon whisked away from my press conference in the VIP Room - over the majestic Pennine hills towards the dreaming spires of Sheffield. I have always loved travelling in big shiny cars that smell of new leather and the wicker picnic hamper in the back was much appreciated - especially those top quality scotch eggs and the fresh pork pie from The Yorkshire Grub Company. All washed down with a chilled bottle of Maison de Tetley (2013).
Of course, when we glided into my own street the bunting was out and excited children and pensioners were waving little Yorkshire flags, cheering my homecoming. Don't you just hate being patted on the back by hordes of strangers and feeling obliged to scribble autographs in diaries, Qu'arans and on various items of ladies' underwear? So tiresome.
Anyway, I managed to push my way through the thronging crowd, the photographers and newspaper reporters over the threshold of our exclusive suburban residence. Home! Shirley has done a great job with our "bosoms" - the little allotment area at the top of our garden and the mansion looked neat and tidy until I started emptying my nineteenth century travelling trunk - merrily tossing dirty washing, used Thai baht notes, "Villa Market" plastic bags and gifts from my oriental admirers all over the place - from the snooker hall to the ballroom and up the marble staircase to the marital boudoir.And then I had a proper cup of tea. Ahhhh!
...In actuality, I was fleeced by muggers disguised as employees of Transpennine Rail. Twenty five pounds for a single ticket to Sheffield then eight quid in a taxi from Sheffield Station. Previously £2.75 for a medium latte at Manchester Airport Railway Station. Welcome back to the real world boy! Home. Home is where the...something or other is. I can't remember how that line goes I've been away so long. Looking forward to a traditional Yorkshire curry with basmati rice and nan bread tonight. Hope Shirley's not too tired when she gets in. She's got a lot of mess to clear up now and then there's the washing to do. A woman's work is never done. The Chanel No. 5 should keep her sweet.