15 May 2013


Ever heard that song "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes"? Well, it's not so much smoke that gets in your eyes as hair - especially re. the female of our species. Now, David Attenborough might lie on his belly for ages observing gorillas in the Congo or whisper excitedly about a bird of paradise mating dance in the jungles of Borneo, but my recent scientific observations have focussed exclusively on women's hair - especially straight hair.

The trouble is that when women grow their hair long it has a tendency to fall or blow into their eyes. For example, just this morning on the BBC News, an arts correspondent speaking from the Cannes film festival found her hair blowing across her face as she spoke and she was persistently brushing it away. Similarly, in the BBC Look North studio, the weather girl - Lisa Gallagher - has to hold her head in a particularly stiff manner in order to prevent her hair from gravitating towards her eyes as she points out cyclones and wind patterns. It's a nightmare for women. Forget menstruation, menopause, childbirth and the challenges of motherhood - the biggest and most obvious problem that women have to deal with in everyday life is clearly how to keep floppy hair out of their eyes!

Women's inventiveness in this area of life seems to know no bounds and they have devised numerous ways of keeping awkward long  hair in check and away from the eyes. In my chart below I have itemised just nine of these cunning methods though I am aware my list is not exhaustive:-
No. 1 Elsie is using a simple hairslide to keep her hair off her face.
No 2 Janice has gone for a brutal fringe cut to deal with the issue.
No. 3 Ena has tucked her uncontrollable hair behind her ears.
N 4 Lettice has simply pulled her long hair back and formed it into a kind of ballet dancer's bun.
No 5 Jenny has brushed her hair away from her face and then sprayed an entire can of  "Stiff" on  it to keep it in place.
No 6 Agatha has stuffed her floppy long strands into a stylish headscarf from "Poundstretcher".
No 7 Libby is using a simple Alice band to keep her hair back.
No 8 Sinnead has got so pissed off with her hair she's just shaved it all off.
No 9 Fatima's solution is to wear a burkha. This is recommended for all women bloggers, hiding their beauty for the pleasure and enjoyment of their menfolk, husbands or partners. Also very handy for ugly lady bloggers or those with severe acne.


  1. I suspect red ninja will be popping in very son to say something

  2. And those women who are forever doing the head shake to sweep their locks from their face - just get it cut! But even worse are the ones who chew on it.

  3. Sir YP, your observations hair should extend to adolescent boys (young men).

    My son wanted to take HIS hair straightener on camp (5 others took theirs, what the, it's camp) and he tells me that his gym even has the same in the men's change rooms.

    As I walk around my school it is definitely the young men who are preoccupied with their dreads.

  4. Anonymous2:54 pm

    By the time a chap of my family reached a certain age the concern is more with keeping the back and buttocks well-combed and dusted with flea-powder. Keeping (largely theoretical) hair out of the eyes is not a problem. In ten more years I shall follow in my father's footsteps and commence waxing of my nostril and ear hair.

  5. First off, I thought you were an English teacher, re. your long ago comment about correcting my grammar.

    Geography teacher with hairy legs and a dirndl skirt.

    I had a re-think, then thunked you were a science teacher.

    Latest thinking an anthropology teacher?

    Perhaps all of the above or none?

    Your latest post on girls' hair leads me to believe you may be follically challenged, that or time is hanging heavy on your hands, now you're back in ole Blighty.


  6. My solution is a cap. Aren't you lucky that you are a mere man and so don't have to contend with all the sartorial problems we wimmin face daily, YP!! :)

  7. How did you know I used to love to wear an Alice band YP?? many many years ago of course.

  8. EARL GRAY When Red Ninja pops in I shall be popping out!
    SHOOTING PARROTS Oh yes - that head shake - like a nervous tic. Chew on what by the way?
    CAROL CUNNINGHAM With hair straighteners it would have been a camp camp! "Walk around my school"? Are you the caretaker or the headteacher?
    IAN "OWL" HUTSON Rather than wax those sprouting hairs ask Santa Claus to bring you an electric nasal hair trimmer. May also be used on lugholes and any other parts of the body where unwanted hairs deign to appear.
    LETTICE LEAF Stop all this philosophical speculation! Just admit how you keep your hair away from your eyes. I'm guessing you use the lugholes as tiebacks.
    JENNY In response to your question - YES!
    LIBBY Because I was the lad who stalked you. You know the spotty, goofy one who used to stare at you in Science lessons! Lord knows why they transferred me to that special school in Ashby-de-la-Zouche.

  9. I just let Alex loose with the clippers to give me a number 8.


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