4 March 2019



My hotel room in Mumbai
I thought that London was busy but the traffic in Mumbai was horrendous. As we drove from the airport to my hotel, there were times when I closed my eyes, fearing that we were about to crash. But Mr Singh seemed unconcerned. As he manoeuvred his silver Suzuki Swift through red traffic lights and around noisy street sellers with handcarts, he laughed manically and slapped my thigh, his golden tooth glinting in the streetlights. 

He dropped me outside The Hotel Kohinoor and promised to be back bright and early in the morning saying, "I get you very good escort sahib! Nightie nightie!"

After my flight, I was exhausted and flopped on my bed without unpacking. I was looking forward to my tour of Mumbai with a local escort and as I slumbered I dreamt of elephants and punkah wallahs and The Gateway of India that had greeted my mum and dad in the summer of 1942.

Sunlight pierced the curtains and I stirred, reminding myself that I was not in my own bed in Sheffield but on the third floor of The Hotel Kohinoor, Mumbai. I took a shower and was in the process of dressing when there was a rapping on my door. It was Mr Singh.

"But I haven't had breakfast yet!" I grumbled.

"No matter Sahib Pudinge, I have breakfast with you. We picking your escort no?" he winked.

In the buffet style breakfast room, Mr Singh's fingers slid across his i-pad as I ate my muesli and paw-paw. I was surprised to observe that every one of the escorts he was showing me were young women and some of them were clearly under-dressed. I queried their qualifications but Mr Singh assured me that they were all experienced escorts. I had been expecting academics or more mature residents - proud to show off their city.

The escort fees were much higher than anticipated - around £250 a day! But having just won that very amount on the football pools back in England, I thought easy come-easy go. Almost randomly I selected a young woman called Sweety Patel, a twenty year old "collage girl" who "love making friendly nature". This was her profile picture:-
Mr Singh approved of my choice, slapping me on the back. "Sweety very popular escort! Good jiggy jiggy!"

I had no idea what he was talking about.

An hour later there was a gentle tapping on the door of my hotel room. It was Sweety Patel. She looked just like her picture and she greeted me by running her false red nails through my hair while latching her fulsome lips onto mine like a whelk in a rock pool. I could hardly breathe but I didn't wish to cause offence as I supposed that this was the way in which escorts greet their clients in Mumbai. I noticed that she smelt of soap.

Pulling away and panting, I said, "Well let's get going then Sweety."

She looked puzzled and so I elucidated.

"I want to see everything. The Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus railway station, Elephanta Island, The Haji Ali Dargah, Dhobi Ghat, The Hanging Gardens and of course The Gateway of India. I leave it up to you to suggest somewhere for lunch but I am rather partial to a decent curry."

"Whatever you wanting sahib," she replied huskily.

With a somewhat furrowed brow, Sweety picked up her bejewelled handbag and we wandered out into that hot tropical morning. She flagged a taxi and we joined Mumbai's version of The Wacky Races. Horns bleated and whistles were blown. Fruit sellers flogged their wares and rusty old buses belched diesel fumes. Sweety snuggled close to me on the back seat, squeezing my right arm.

It was going to be a day to remember.



  1. Oh, Mr. P! You are inspiring me with these posts! I am waiting with pounding heart to see what comes next!

  2. LOL! Does your wife read your blog??

    1. She doesn't even know that I have a blog!

  3. Now that sounds like a busy day. I hope Sweety Patel lived up to your dreams of a good guide.

  4. Streetlights in Mumbai? I don't remember those.

    1. Yes indeed Doubting Thomas! For example, The Western Highway and the Milan Bridge road are well lit. Were you there in the time of The Raj?

    2. So is the Lamington Road. I wonder who he or she was given that it's still got its English name.

    3. As every schoolboy knows, Charles Wallace Alexander Napier Cochrane-Baillie, 2nd Baron Lamington was the Governor of Bombay from 1903 to 1907.

  5. Sounds like you're in for a very big surprise.

  6. Call me naive but what's jiggy, jiggy some kind of exercise?

  7. Hmm... jiggy, jiggy is definitely NOT what I'd request from an escort service.

    1. As I am a gentleman, I will not ask what you would request Meike.

  8. I bet for Sweety this counts as a vacation!

  9. My question is..."Why? Why change the lay-out and look of your blog>" Is this the Indian version. You thought you'd add some spice...curry it up a bit!

    I know it matters not, but I prefer the appearance of your blog they way it was. I guess I'm not one who is fond of change!

    Hmmmm....an escort...hmmmm.....

    1. I was hoping to just change the photo at the top of the blog and then I found myself getting in a mess in the Blogger maze - html and all that. At one point I thought I had lost everything. I was just so glad to get it back in a presentable format.


Mr Pudding welcomes all genuine comments - even those with which he disagrees. However, puerile or abusive comments from anonymous contributors will continue to be given the short shrift they deserve. Any spam comments that get through Google/Blogger defences will also be quickly deleted.

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