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| Brian Bradshaw |
I knew things weren't right when I spotted a panda driving a bus. I rubbed my eyes and did a double take. Yes it was a panda - unless the driver had for some unknown reason decided to wear a panda costume for the day. That was it! Fancy dress. Probably raising money for a good cause. I tried to brush the memory from my mind. This was back at the beginning of March.
A couple of days later I noticed that the little golden bamboo grove at the bottom of our garden had been decimated but I could see no sign of a pest infestation or disease. Some of the bamboo canes appeared to have been uprooted. Mysterious.
And then - round about March 18th I was walking in the Derbyshire countryside when I saw a panda strolling towards me on his hind legs. As he passed me by he raised his trilby hat and said "Good morrow!" What the? Had somebody spiked my water bottle?
I thought I was going mad - hallucinating. Then when I got home Shirley said she had seen a family of pandas entering the old cemetery near her health centre.
We kept spotting them. Pandas stacking shelves in the supermarket. Our weekly refuse collection was undertaken by a team of pandas and there were pandas driving past in Fiat Pandas. There was even a pair of pandas in uniform - sitting in a police panda car drinking coffee from Starbucks unrecyclable beakers. The world appeared to have gone bonkers!
And to cap it all on April 1st, Huw Edwards had been replaced as the BBC newsreader at six o'clock. In his place there was a dirty great panda - a giant panda in fact. He said his name was Brian Bradshaw (see top picture) and the leading news item was that the government had officially declared a pandemic. Oh my God!
Brian said, "And let's go over to Downing Street for the latest from our political correspondent Polly Panda". As Polly was prattling, the famous black door of Number 10 opened and instead of the usual blonde scarecrow figure with piggy eyes, another panda emerged with a bunch of fresh bamboo shoots in his mitt. He marched up to the microphone and confirmed that we were indeed in a pandemic and we should expect to see thousands more pandas. while waiting to reach the peak of the pandaemic.
Thanks, I needed that.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to laugh in the middle of this terrible thing.
DeleteNice play on words!
ReplyDeleteI hope I made you chuckle Red for I know you are a serious guy.
DeleteI've always loved pandas but now I'm not too sure!
ReplyDeleteC'mon honey! Have a giggle!
DeleteWhay have you been drinking????
ReplyDelete"Panda Pop" fizzy drinks.
DeleteI couldn't think of a way to spot who had been infected and who hadn't, but now you've pointed it out it's obvious. Thank you. Have you mentioned it to the Government? Probably best to text Simon Cadell - sorry Dominic Raaaaab - as Boris won't be able to get back to reading your blog for a week or two.
ReplyDeleteRaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaab's leadership potential has really come to the fore since COVID 19 infected Worzel Gummidge. Who needs a testing regime? It is easy to spot a panda.
DeleteNow you are just pandering to our need for some silliness in our lives.
ReplyDeleteIt is a veritable Pandora's Box!
DeleteIdiot ;) You made me laugh there I was in tears about the assistant head master in Grimsby taking meals for his pupils, and the little boy thanking him and saying' you are feeding the world' People are wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI wondered why that assistant head didn't travel by car. Instead he has a back-breaking rucksack over his shoulders. A car would make the deliveries much easier.
DeleteLovely. We all need a bit of humour to get through this.
ReplyDeleteI hope it made you smile for a moment ADDY - despite your understandable anxiety.
DeleteA panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out.
ReplyDeleteThe bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, “What do you want?” The bartender replies, “First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.”
The panda bear turns around and says, “Hey! I’m a Panda. Look it up!” The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: “Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it’s stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
Ha! Ha! "Eats Shoots and Leaves" is also the title of a best selling book about English grammar.
DeleteVery clever :) If only it were that easy, eh?
ReplyDeleteThat's true Jenny.
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