Bloggered!
Earlier today, a popular international blogger from Sheffield was trampled
to death by a frisky herd of young Jersey cows as he was walking across a field
at Stancil Farm north of Tickhill, South Yorkshire.
Known as "Yorkshire Pudding", the 67 year old blogger was lawfully walking
on a designated public footpath when the forty strong herd came thundering
across the field towards him.
He yelled at the young cows and waved his arms but they were not in the mood
for mercy. They surrounded Mr Pudding nudging him and pushing heavily
against him until he stumbled and fell to the ground.
The leader of the assailants was a deranged cow called Buttercup who was
the first to tread upon the retired teacher bringing her full weight of
approximately 70 stones upon her screaming victim's chest.
The other cows followed Buttercup's example and a few minutes later
Mr Pudding breathed his last breath.
Owner of the herd, Farmer Boris Hogg of Stancil Farm said, "I was having a
mug of tea and reading my "Farmer's Weekly". I didn't hear a thing."
Senior Ambulance Woman, Dolly O'Toole (aged 34) attended the tragic
scene an hour after the event and later said that Mr Pudding had been
"flattened like a pancake - or to be more accurate like a Margherita pizza."
Yorkshire Pudding leaves a wife, son, daughter, son-in-law, two brothers
and a baby granddaughter called Phoebe - along with thousands of
grieving supporters and heartbroken friends from across the
world of blogging.
The last photo - found on Mr Pudding's camera
If Mr Pudding had not been such a Luddite he could have filmed the assault on his trusty cellphone and his cries for mercy would have "gone viral" thereby ensuring the said pack leader Miss Buttercup would be brought to justice.
ReplyDeleteAdele
Dear Nana Adele,
DeleteMany thanks for your comment on our departed client.
Sincerely,
Cheetham and Howe (Solicitors)
This blog will now be taken over by Tasker Dunham.
ReplyDeleteTasker is not his real name, but then we all wear masks in this game of ghosts we call Cyberland. *It's all a bit spooky dears,* as Dame Edna used to say.
It would be nice to think that Mr Pudding really did walk this earth, and that there really was a cow called Buttercup, but how can we ever truly know?
A chap may call himself Haggerty but Haggerty is a character who never appears onstage in a play by David Mercer called After Haggerty. Surreal, isn't it?
Pudding will be remembered for a week or two in his bailiwick before sinking down into that great cosmic cow manure which awaits us all, yea even Tony Blair, his Max Factor range of cosmetics won't save him when the King of Terrors comes knocking on his pink closet door. (It's an open secret, Tone.)
Enjoy your well-earned oblivion, matey.
I shall collect your old posts and turn them into a Richard and Judy 5-Star Read.
I know a wee lassie who works at Cheltenham HQ so *The Sheffield Curlew* will become a political thriller; rambles round Hutton-le-Hole and bread and dripping at your Auntie Nora's in Clitheroe don't make an international bestseller, laddie.
I will say Kaddish for you in my synagogue in Leeds.
Ye did not believe in God but He believed in you even if Ursula didn't.
*Ach, Life's Strange* as James Joyce used to say ...
Haggerty
Dear Professor Haggerty,
DeleteMany thanks for your exceedingly kind and generous comments on our departed client.
Sincerely,
Cheetham and Howe (Solicitors)
Tasker Dunham would like it to be known that he has no intention of taking reponsibility for any other blog, having enough difficulty maintaining his own. He also suspects this post may be a load of bullocks.
DeleteI go with the theory that Haggerty is a 19-year-old girl called Gerty Ha who lives in Airdrie, a deprived town in Jockland. She doesn't mind if you call her A Daft Wee Lassie. Gerty calls Nicola Sturgeon A Devious Little Witch.
DeleteMuch of the hardcore folk bawdry which appears in Gerty's comments comes from her granddad, Jimmy Ha, who did his National Service in Germany with the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders. One of his duties as Lance-Corporal was guarding the prisoner Rudolf Hess, whom he describes as a nasty bit of work.
If Tone Blair attempts to sue Gerty or her granddad he will find they are seriously broke. Outside Jimmy's bedroom door hangs a sign:
LET NO ONE ENTER HERE WHO IS IGNORANT OF GEOMETRY an inscription which stood over Plato's Academy.
Tasker may well write a post about geometry. He's as sharp as a ned's chisel.
Hamel(d)
Those adorable creatures just couldn't have done such a thing!
ReplyDeleteDear Kylie,
DeleteMany thanks for your comment on our departed client. We direct you to this article:-
https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2020/sep/23/farmers-union-issues-warning-after-teacher-trampled-to-death-by-cows
Sincerely,
Cheetham and Howe (Solicitors)
I hardly knew you, but I'll miss you, YP. Moo-ournfully yours.
Delete
ReplyDeleteI shed a tear. RIP beloved Pudding.
As the big game hunter said to the lion - "Why the long paws?"
DeleteI don't know that anyone will be game to comment, and certainly not me.
ReplyDeleteDear Crocodile Dundee,
DeleteMany thanks for your comment on our departed client.
Sincerely,
Cheetham and Howe (Solicitors)
Dear Cheetham and Howe. I don't suppose the late YP left me anything? Please contact my solicitors if so, Martin, Barton and Farquhar.
DeleteHe has left you some rugby socks - never washed - with a hole where the right big toe sits.
DeleteI hope that this post isn't prophetic !
ReplyDeleteSave the planet! Give up beef!
DeleteOh dear, this is a tragedy indeed...but let this be a lesson for all who think they can casually walk anywhere. This is clearly a case of "boldly going where (almost) no man has gone before" and badly misfiring.
ReplyDeleteNot the sort of thing I want to read as I finish my first coffee of the day. How many others familiar with this post will react as I did? I felt the need of something stronger in my coffee, but darn it, we've run out of gin!
I patiently wait to read what others think of this disastrous situation, and am especially concerned as to what Haggerty, particularly, will do in future, now that he can no longer pass on his pearls of wisdom and his reading lists.
Mind you, those cows don't seem to be any the worse for the experience - they look positively ecstatic!
Dear Senora Coppasgirl,
DeleteMany thanks for your sensitive comments on our departed client. We are sure that you will wish to contribute generously to his memorial fund. Please give your full bank details to our admin team. Tel. UK 0114-2131313
Sincerely,
Cheetham and Howe (Solicitors)
Dear Cheetham and Howe,
DeleteWith regards to the Memorial Fund for the late, lamented, Yorkshire Pudding, thank you for the information and telephone number of your admin team. I shall forward my contribution just as soon as I can move the mattress and find the sock. Will pesetas do?
Sincerely,
Senora Coppa's Girl.
I remember once when Tom and I went into a field full of cows and got half way across when they turned on us, I was surprised at how fast cows can move. We found out how fast we could move as well, lol. Very frightening.
ReplyDeleteSo sad about Mr.Pudding I shall miss his pithy wit.
Briony
x
Dear Briony and Tom,
DeleteMany thanks for your understanding comment on our departed client.
Sincerely,
Cheetham and Howe (Solicitors)
Oh dear. How sad. Poor Mr Pudding.
ReplyDeleteI hope those cows received proper PTSD counselling.
Dear Lady JayCee,
DeleteMany thanks for your thoughtful comment on our departed client. You may rest assured that the cattle involved in this tragedy will be treated with much kindness at the abattoir where ABBAtoir songs will be playing on a loop.
Sincerely,
Cheetham and Howe (Solicitors)
Is Dolly O'Toole from Ireland?
ReplyDeleteDear Paddy McGinty,
DeleteMany thanks for your comment on our departed client. Unfortunately we have no extra personal information about Miss O'Toole.
Sincerely,
Cheetham and Howe (Solicitors)
Oh dear. We could have a barbecue in Mr. Pudding's honor. Bring a dish to pass, and your favorite story about Mr. P. Buttercup will provide the meat.
ReplyDeleteDear Miss Pennsylvania 1979,
DeleteMany thanks for your kind and thoughtful comment on our departed client.
Sincerely,
Cheetham and Howe (Solicitors)
Dramatic End to YP by the sweetest cows out;) You must be running out of copy for your blog!
ReplyDeleteUnsentimental from Normanby.
p.s. Can you tell Haggerty that Hutton-le-Hole is down this part of Yorkshire and not anywhere near Sheffield.
Dear Thelma Barlow,
DeleteMany thanks for your extraordinarily sympathetic comment on our departed client. Unfortunately Cheetham and Howe are in no position to address the gross error made by Professor Haggerty (aka The Human Library).
Sincerely,
Cheetham and Howe (Solicitors)
Dead sorry I misplaced chic Hutton-le-Hole. Us folks in Airdrie dinna get oot much. Expect ye's all have Cream Teas in Hutton-le-Hole. Posh Girl, ay?
DeleteThelma's a lovely name, like Bob's lovely wife Thelma in ma Gramp's favourite sitcom, The Likely Lads. Yon Thelma Barlow in Corrie was a pure Slag but.
Can Gramps join your Zoom Reading Club, Thelma?
I love him tae bits but he can be a drag when he's sober. Aye quoting Plato or Oprah or Truman Capote. He'll no show ye up but he speaks Greek an Latin like.
Oor Yorky is withdrawing frae the world like yon French punter Montaigne.
He is finally gaun tae write his First Novel, Room at the Top meets The Great Gatsby. Expect ye think Christopher Eccleston will dae the film? Some hopes pal.
*And so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.*
That was frae Gramps, no me. Talk aboot anither failed writer ay?
Glad I'm normal.
All I want's a job in fashion like that Anna Wintour, love her handbags.
Adieu, Mon Vieux.
I wet ma knickers, some of your jokes and them weird places ye visited, talk aboot a Laugh.
See tae be honest wi ye, Yorkshire sounds like a right dirty Midden, I'll stick tae Airdrie ony day an we have Cows tae, it's where we get Hamburgers.
All ma lovin Big Man.
Gerty Ha XXX (20 in June and No Been Kissed).
There is a certain irony for a Yorkshire Pudding to meet death via beef. Was there gravy at all? It just seems like a good gravy should have been involved.
ReplyDeleteDear Debby
DeleteMany thanks for your understanding comment on our departed client. We are informed by Farmer Hogg that the sloppy brown liquid at the bottom of the cow field is not in fact gravy.
Yours humbly,
Cheetham and Howe (Solicitors)
Well, it just goes to show that my sister and I took the right decision when we opted against using the public footpath across that field full,of cows next to Markenfield Hall during our walk from Ripon to Ripley. The detour took us ages and was very hot, dusty and uncomfortable, but definitely preferable to ending up like a pizza margherita.
ReplyDeleteDear Miss Ludwigsburg 1990,
DeleteMany thanks for your kind and thoughtful comment springing from the tragic news of our departed client's passing. In his will he has instructed to leave you a small ceramic model of a Jersey cow which he hoped you might treasure.
Sincerely,
Cheetham and Howe (Solicitors)
I frequently walk through a pasture containing cattle and here I thought my biggest danger was stepping in a fresh cow patty. Perhaps I should rethink my morning constitutional.
ReplyDeleteDear Kelly,
DeleteMany thanks for your kind and thoughtful comment. Is a cow patty like a hamburger?
Sincerely,
Cheetham and Howe (Solicitors)
I am devastated to hear this news. Those poor cows, merely wandering in a field when subjected to the cruel provocations of a maniacal wanderer! I'm sure their tiny bovine brains will be forever scarred.
ReplyDeleteDear Mr Reed,
DeleteMany thanks for your kind and thoughtful comment on our departed client. The altruistic understanding you revealed was surely without comparison. His family will be most touched.
Sincerely,
Cheetham and Howe (Solicitors)
That's NOT funny!
ReplyDeleteDear Surrogate Sister Lady,
DeleteMany thanks for responding to news of the unexpected and sudden departure of our esteemed client. In his will he has left you a small jewellery box in which resides a small ballerina on a spring. When the lid is lifted she appears to dance to the tune of "Come Prima".
Sincerely,
Cheetham and Howe (Solicitors)
Haven't you got any udder news?
ReplyDeleteDear Ms ADDY,
DeleteMany thanks for your remark. However, I must point out that Cheetham and Howe are not in the business of producing or responding to Christmas cracker jokes.
Sincerely,
Cheetham and Howe (Solicitors)
Thank you for making me laugh today, I needed this.
ReplyDeleteDr Nurse Lily,
DeleteOn behalf of our esteemed and dearly departed client, we would like to point out that death is hardly a laughing matter.
Sincerely,
Cheetham and Howe (Solicitors)
Bahahahaha *coff, coff* ahem...you are correct that death is not to be mocked and laughed at. Mr Pudding will long be remembered for his somber and unsmiling outlook on life. Are we absolutely certain that Clint did not come roaring up to run over him, back up, and do it again just be sure? I have it on good authority that there had been disagreements.
ReplyDeleteDear Deborah.
ReplyDeleteMay we assure you that Yorkshire Pudding's trusty vehicle Clint played no part whatsoever in his owner's sad demise.
Sincerely,
Cheetham and Howe (Solicitors)
Flattened, yes - but was Mr. Pudding cowed???
ReplyDeleteI was actually shocked to read the article you mentioned in your reply to kylie - I had no idea how dangerous cows could be. Bulls, yes, but cows? I grew up across the road from a farm with cows. Never knew I had such dangerous neighbours. You learn something new every day.
And thanks for the snicker over "Cheetham and Howe". Excellent.
As the actress said to the bishop - "Happy to have given you a titter!"
Delete