22 June 2021

Lars

Who needs an electric burglar alarm when you can instead employ a garden gnome? 

Our home has been protected for several years by an eight inch gnome called Lars. He arrived from Liechtenstein one September morning in 2009. There was a tiny tapping on our front door and I opened it to find no one there until I looked down and there was Lars with his spade. He was looking for work.

Nowadays, he stands close to the front door which is where he has been  for eleven and a half years night and day. He has successfully deterred all intruders. Lars doesn't ask for much - an occasional "Malteser" on top of his regular gnome food* and a couple of thimbles of Tetley's bitter on a Saturday night.

Last week, I noticed that Lars's colours had more or less faded away. He was bleached by the sun and looked like a very small snowman so I decided to get out my oil paints to spruce him up. He was perfectly patient as I applied the paint.

After forty minutes he was as good as new and ready to return to duty. In contrast, this morning a neighbour's electric house alarm was wailing away for almost an hour. If this had been an American city I would have gone to my gun cabinet to grab a rifle in order to blast that bloody alarm to smithereens. As I say, a garden gnome does a much better security job without annoying the neighbours.

In the back garden we have other gnomes who may also be crying out for paint jobs. Trouble is, I can't hear them.

_______________________

*i.e. pickled cucumbers,  pearl barley,  chipolata sausages &  canned peaches.

20 comments:

  1. Lars is looking very smart, I should maybe take a leaf out of your book and spruce up my own little guy standing on the doorstep looking a bit worse for wear! Sadly, he has no name, must ask my grandson for his ideas.

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  2. There's no place like gnome!

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  3. Well, what a cheery chap he looks - and feels much better for his makeover, I'm sure. You've done a very good job there YP, and could embrace a whole new career. "Mr Pudding's Gnome Renovation Service" has a certain ring to it! Best practise on the other gnomes in the back garden first though, then you'll be all set to go.
    * Not all on the same plate, surely?

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  4. Lars' diet doesn't sound too bad to me. I hope he wasn't gnome 'napped from Lichtenstein and delivered to your front door. Gnome 'napping is big here at times. Sometimes they travel and send postcards. Our gnome is in our dining area, carefully watching for anyone dropping food from the table onto the carpet. Great that you gave Lars a new suit of clothes. I so want an American gun cabinet containing a Kalashnikov to take out those who offend me.

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  5. Well, he would certainly deter me!

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  6. Obviously Lars is doing a cracking good job, although I do worry about his limited diet. As for your not being able to hear the other poor gnomes, have you tried hearing aids. I hear they are of great benefit to older gentlemen, such as yourself.

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  7. Oh dear I feel all the gnome one liners coming on - didn't he have have an ome to go to... etc As for wailing alarms, there is a motorscooter parked across the road from us armed with an alarm that does three pips then cycles through every emergency services siren sound known to mankind, pips again and carries on - sometimes for hours, or on and off all morning. It never seems to get riden. We are starting to wonder if it is wired into mains power to keep the sodding alarm going, and it seems to be set off by the wind whistling round that corner. You can be watching it when it decides to wake the neighbourhood up at 7am on a quiet Sunday morning - not a soul in sight. I've been contemplating a baseball bat, but maybe you are right, shoot it. Or get a gnome.

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  8. I'm not sure you would get buy with that in many American cities these days. Perhaps some small rural towns and villages off the beaten path.

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  9. What a fine looking gnome!

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  10. I'd like to have a little garden gnome of my own. Maybe I should begin leaving treats outside to see if I could capture one and convince him to stay!

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  11. This post prompted me to look up what a person from Liechtenstein is called. (Liechtensteiner, of course.) I assume that applies to gnomes from Liechtenstein as well.

    A proper neat paint job!

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  12. The cats are out alarm, they hear someone coming before we do and so when they are all agog we know that someone is coming along to the back gate.
    Briony
    x

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  13. Those alarms are very irritating! Love the gnome and he's looking very dapper.

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  14. A beautiful updated paint job for your steady watchman. He hasn't aged a bit in all these years. Wish I could say the same about my face and body. My watchman is a dog, really. 17 pounds of pure white love and goodness unless he hears a vehicle on the driveway or (god forbid) someone ringing the doorbell. Man oh man, then he really finds his voice!!

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  15. Gnome is where the heart is

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  16. That is a peculiarly specific diet that Lars eats :)

    Good paint job. If I tried that it would look like a first-grader's work.

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  17. You've got talent to burn when it comes to painting.

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  18. There is a gnome somewhere in my front garden, he was covered by overgrown plants for years and I forgot him. Maybe I should move him to the front door, he might even help the dogs to feel they don't need to be perpetually on guard.
    Good job, Lars!

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  19. I never knew that garden gnomes have a special diet! No wonder their body shapes are so similar no matter where they live.

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